What's that? You're taking a trip? By Airplane!?!
Good for you! You are about to embark on a great Aamerican Invention - Air Travel. Things have come a long way since 1903; you're not going to be the only person on the flight, for example.
Don't worry. I know its scary and hard to do in a responsible way, but thats where I come in...
HOWTO FLY LIKE AN ADULT
If you're a business traveller, you shouldn't need this, because you should know it all already. If you're a new business traveller, you should be asking one of the old boys in the bullpen instead of reading this. if you're a business traveller and you don't follow all these rules already...
Shame on you.
First thing to be aware of: You are taking a trip ON A PLANE. This method is commonly known to not only be statistically safest, but also the ALL-AROUND GODAWFUL EXPENSIVE method there is. This is a known thing. Everyone knows that tickets are expensive, and they'll be damned if the rape of your bank account stops there.
It's expensive. Deal. Don't throw tantrums because you think the $6-an-hour counter girl in the terminal selling magazines and candy bars owes you a fucking dime. If you think $7.50 is too much for a burger, don't stand there complaining about it. Get the fuck out of our way... We're hungry and we would like to spend our $7.50.
- You are not the only person that wants to get to your flight quickly and say goodbye when you get dropped off.
When the car stops, get your bags and get the fuck out of everyone elses way, sparky.
- When in the check-in line, bundle your crap or get one of them carts or whatever, but figure out a way to MOVE YOUR SHIT ALONG.
There are people behind you that don't find your "pull all 22 bags along one at a time" schtick amusing.
- Experienced travellers know that pulling your baggage along that little snake-rope line is a pain in the ass. Some of them will tuck their bags under the rope when they get near the front so they don't have to drag the things all over east jesus.
They will be picking up their bags when they move along in the line. They're not trying to "budge" or bomb your little section of the line or committ any other of a host of nefarious plans your feeble brain can remember from Local TV News exposes. Relax.
- When in the check-in line - CHECK YOUR FUCKING BAGS.
CARRYONS SHOULD BE SHIT YOU NEED, AND I MEAN NEED, MOTHERFUCKER, DURING THE FLIGHT.
- Take all the shit out of your pockets and put it in your carryon BEFORE you get to the metal detector.
This will allow for the fact that most of you aren't smart enough to remember that the foil in your smokes or that fancy pen Uncle Morty gave you have enough metal in them to set off the detector and now hold up everyone behind you, as well as keeping you from looking like a TOTAL DUMBASS.
- If you have to cram your carryon through the xray thingie, that means the thing is too fucking big.
Go Back and CHECK THAT BAG.
- The baggage people ARE NOT out to get you, they're jost doing their goddamn shit-payin jobs. Stop making a scene,cause we don't give a fuck.
- That circular pad they rub on your bag andstick in the little machine? No, not fingerprinting you. They're looking for bomb-chemical residue.
You paranoid dink.
- If you have more than one carryon, or your carryon wouldn't fit under the seat:
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.
GO CHECK THAT GODDAMN BAG.
- Having too much carryon luggage does not count as special boarding needs.
WOULD YOU PLEASE GO CHECK THOSE FUCKING THINGS.
- Unless you have a glandular problem, being a fat bastard does not count as special boarding needs, neither does the fact that you had to buy TWO SEATS.
- Do NOT jump in the boarding line before your row is called. That simply fucks shit up for everyone else, you dumbass.
- Oddly enough - it actually IS ok to spit on the people in First Class if
they look at you like "the little people".
Really, I did.
- Put your fucking carryon under the seat in front of you and sit the hell
What? It doesn't fit?
WHY IN THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU CHECK IT?
- Simply because you spent $200 on an oversized carryon does NOT mean that you shold be allowed to eat up an entire overhead bin.
NOTE ON CARRYON LUGGAGE:
You may have noticed that I seem to have a special place in my heart for those people that haul bigass carryons onto a plane. See the thing is, every flight I have ever been on has one of those families that believes that they are so important that they shouldn't have to go to the luggage carousel with the rest of us.
Fuck you people.
You are no more important than the rest of us.
Check your shit.
Business travellers, you may have noticed, often carry on a Garment Bag. If you also notice, they give the thing to the steward at the door of the plane, who manages to stow it properly. This also doesn't fuck shit up for the rest of the passengers.
DEPLANING & LUGGAGE
- As much as I love that episode, too, yelling "There's a man on the wing of this plane!!!" is no longer funny.
I do still say this to my wife every time we fly, but that's because I love to annoy her.
- If you're in line for the bathroom and standing netx to someone's seat:
- You may use their seat as a steadying support
- Do not lean on thir armrest
- Passing gas in a stranger's face is RUDE, Please DO NOT do this.
- Passing gas in the face of an obnoxious child, however, is NOT considered rude to the rest of the plane..
- The Great Controversy of the Tilting Seat Back.
- Putting your seat back does not really make you more confortable.
- Not asking the person behind you if you can put your seat back is rude.
- Giving them a dirty look when they say "no" is also rude.
- Many people, like myself, are well larget than the average person 5'8" that these planes were devised for in the early 60's. This translates to:
We Already have been screwed out of all of our legroom by the airlines adding more seats so they can make more money.
Putting your seat back does nothing but make an already unpleasant 4-hour stretch of time more umpleasant and in some cases Painful.
Here's an exercise for you to feel what I feel on most flights:
~ Sit in a chair with wheels on it
~ Roll yourself up to a wall so your knees barely touch it
~ Now, have a friend lean on your back a little and stay there.
~ Good! Doesn't hurt much right off, does it?
~ Give it a half-hour, try to read during it - it's fun!
New Motto for the Flying Tall:
I have no problem with banging and pushing the fuck out of the back of your
seat when you lean it back and crush the fuck out of my knees.
you didn't ask first, you prick.
You can all consider yourselves warned.
- Children on planes. Oy. The may who invents a safe "Baby-Tranq" is going to be deified.
Write to the airlines, tell them that we would ALL gladly pay $50 extra if you could guarantee a flight to be "kid-free"
Thats all that needs to be said really....
CONTROL YOUR FUCKING KIDS!
See, My wife and I don't have kids because we know we don't want to deal with them right now. THIS INCLUDES YOUR CHILDREN, TOO. IF YOU KNOW THEY AREN'T GOOD FLYERS, DRIVE.
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- Everyone standing up and trying to get into the asiles results in everyone standing up and smashing into each other after they've spent 3-7 hours in an unfomfortable plane.
Use a little common sense and relax. By not rushing you'll actually get off the plane faster.
- If you are a little tiny person with a hugeass carryon in the overhead bin...
A) Why didn't you CHECK THAT FUCKING MONSTROSITY?!?!
B) Stey in your seat until everyone ekse is off the plane, why?
1. You WILL have trouble reaching the bag, and will will wind up not being strong enough to control it.
2. You will wind up dropping it on someone you do not know.
3. The rest of the plane will cheer as they kill you with their bare hands.
- Tell your friends to Step the Fuck away From the Gate when they come to pick you up.
- If they were not smart enough to get away from the gate - take them away from there yourself.
- Hugging someone directly in front of the doorway should be an offense punishable by death.
- When getting your luggage, the whole family doesn't need to stand there and gawk at everyone elses bags.
- Fetching the luggage should not be the job of the most feeble member of your party who is trying to be helpful.
Instead, they can take the job of...
- CONTROL YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN.
I don't want little Pokemon Sneaker Footprints on my goddamn Samsonite, ok?
- Though this shouldn't need be said - check your baggage tags, dumbass.
- When the car pulls up - I cannot stress this enough - Your Grandmother should not be the one loading your 3 tons of baggage into the trunk.
You're in everyones way now. I hope you get a fucking ticket, asshole. Now get out of here.