It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
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Go Here: The Filthy Critic
  Filthy was killed during a drunken stupor, but drop by BigEmpire anyways.

Read This: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay
    Michael Chabon


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   My buddy bought some more RAM for his woman's computer and was asking me just how exactly do you do that, so from the emails I sent him, you get:
HOWTO Add and Remove RAM

An epic tale in 3 parts...

adding | removing | troubleshooting

Adding RAM:
Getting off the cover to get TO the RAM: Typically, there are a few screws on the BACK of the tower. Take those out and put them somewhere you won't lose them.

The case will typically just slide directly back. Some manufacturers make the boxes so they clamshell out one way of the other. Once you get out the screws (and these are the ones around the edge of the back... you'll see where the beige metal overlaps the silver/gray back plate - those screws. The ones around the power supply fan should not be dicked with). You should be able to slide or open or move the side panels of the cover in one way or another to expose the beauty that is Computer Hardware.

Now go and put those screws where they won't get lost, damnit. I told you once.

The DIMM slots look like, well, big slots. Theyre should be 3 or 4 of them in there lined up like this - |||| - at least one of them will have RAM in it already. You can tell theyre DIMM slots because they have little [typically] white doohickeys on each end.

Little lever doohickeys to be specific.

Note that on the sides of the card, down near the little gold fingers, there are two notches. Thats what the white doohickeys will grab. There are also a couple notches in amongst the contact fingers. These match up with knobbies in the slot where the RAM goes. These keep you from putting the RAM in backwards.

Yes, it does matter, sparky. Where did you put those screws?

Just checking.

What slot should it go in? Does it matter? Yes. You want to put the RAM in _next to_ the existing RAM. Don't leave a middle slot open just because it's easier to stick the card in the slot on the end.

As you jam the card in (gold/silver fingers down, obviously), you should notice - if you can see in there, that is - the little white flangey lever doohickeys folding in to grab the notches in the side of the RAM card.

A little pressure is required. The best way to do it is slow and steady, increasing pressure slightly as you need.

You'll hear a "click", and the white doohickeys should be snuggled into the notches on each side. End of process.

Boot your machine and PAY ATTENTION to the bootup as it does the RAM check. If it doesn't count up the extra RAM, something isnt right or you got a bad chip. (sometimes theres a gayass branding graphic or some other pap the computer sellers put in place of the booring old bootup info Typically hitting [ESC] will get rid of this.)

When the memory check happens at boot, typically you'll see a number of KILOBYTES of memory displayed.

What you need to know is One Megabyte is not One Thousand Kilobyes.

In actuality, 1 Meg actually equals 1024 K. Just like 1 K is actually 1024 bytes. So if you are expecting 128MB of RAM, you should see 131072KB counted.

got it? Good. If you don't, you probably shouldn't be jamming your hand into the back of your computer, but go read these links: Kilobyte & Megabyte from

If you didn't see a count you expected, there might ba a problem.

Removing RAM:
Press down on the two little white doohickeys on the ends - these are there to break the card out of the slot's grip without fucking it up. You shuold be able to slide it completely out now.

You put in some spankin' new memory and it's not working right? what a fucking gyp! Get on the phone and you call that 1-800 number on the package, and the one on the receipt, and hey, why not call your manufacturer while you're at it!

Yeah! That'll show 'em!

Or you can try the following first and save yourself a little time. Every reconfiguration you do (a reconfiguration as nothing more that changing something in your hardware) will call for you to reboot and see how much RAM is being checked ay bootup. Smart people reconfigure one step at a time to keep it simple. Most people pull everything out, piss and moan, then try to jam it all in again.

Whichever you choose to be is up to you.

This is what I try to do:

  1. Put a piece of tape on the NEW chip, so you can tell which one it is.
    It SHOULD go without saying that you DO NOT put the tape on the contacts of the RAM card in any way, shape, or form.

  2. Make sure the chip is seated properly. You can do this by making sure it doesn't wiggle in the slot, and that the top edge of it isnt angles in relation to the motherboard. A lot of times you only have one soie of the card in all the way.

  3. Pull out the new chip. Is all the RAM that was in there still being counted? If not, You may want to check ALL your chips.

  4. A pain in the ass, but effective, is to take out all the chips and try them one at a time in the first slot, which is actually numbered ZERO (0). Any chip that failes in this slot is most likely bad, unless they all fail, then the slot is probably bad. This... is bad.

    For the uninitiated, computers (and the dorks that love them) start counting from zero.
    It is for THIS REASON that the year 2000 did mark the beginning of the new millenium, and that is that.

  5. If all chips work in Slot Zero, check to make sure they alre all of the same type (SDRAM, Clock Speed [mHz], Gold or Tin contacts, blah blah blah...). Certain types may not work well in your box. Always Read Your Manual.

    What? You didn't read it beforehand?

  6. As a last ditch, and most of you won't be able to do this, try the RAM in another machine. if it isnt working at all in any way, take it back and make the seller check it out, confirm its bad, then give you a new one You would not be out of line to ask them to check this one for you before you go home

Thats about all i can think of offhand. If you have a question, feel free to use the email link.

The one at the top of the page... geez. Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /htdocs/www/footer.phtml on line 74

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