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Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, The Drinking Game.

Carson, Kyan, Jai, Ted, and Thom. America's Fav Five Fags. Finally someone came up with a way to get the rest of America to realize that gay men not only aren't to be feared, but are just as ridiculous as the rest of us.

Well, maybe a tad more ridiculous. They're a creative people, those gays.

Anyway. If you don't watch it, you should; a) 'cause it's fabulous, and b) 'cause I told you to.

In SlappyJack.com tradition, I give you:


Queer Eye For the Straight Guy,
The Drinking Game

THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:
  1. Drink SIX if you're watching an episode of Q.E.F.T.S.G. on NBC, because they reedit all the best shit out of it.

  2. Drink if somoene says "Oooo, he's a hottie" during the opening briefing.

  3. Drink if the Straight Guy looks like he hasn't shaved in a week.
  4. Imbibe also if the Straight Guy has hair like a wookie at the beginning of the episode.

  5. If the Straight Guy ever survives an episode with his long hair, FINISH YOUR DRINK, POUR ANOTHER, AND SLAM THAT TOO.

  6. Drink if the Straight Guy's Mother is present.

  7. Drink if the Guy's New York apartment is the size of a shoebox.

  8. Drink when they do one of them cool freeze-to-gray-highlighted-text-with-colored-bar focus on one of the episode's tips.

  9. Drink every time one of the cast members touches the Straight Guy's underwear
  10. Do it twice if it's Thom
  11. ...and then again if it's followed buy a comment about skidmarks or bodily fluids.
  12. Drink YET AGAIN if the Straight Guy is there saying "Dude, you're not going to put that on TV are you?"

  13. Drink if they make it through the wardrobe-ripping without finding at least one sports jersey (or a sweater, if the Guy is a hockey fan)
  14. When the Straight Guy is shown explaining, "They're a sports team, you know... sports?" Please drink.

  15. Sip your drink when one of the Fab Five are shown eating the Straight Guy's food

  16. Drink whenever Thom says somehting bad about the Straight Guy's apartment.

  17. Whenever Thom is struck speechless about the current pigsty the Straight Guy lives in, please drink.
  18. Drink again if this is when they use this scene to cut to the "THOM" title

  19. Drink if they show Jai helping Thom clean and organize the apartment.

  20. Drink if the Guy is so hairy and they wax him somewhere.

  21. Drink if they accidentally show Thom wearing socks.

  22. Drink whenever the Guy's girlfriend is hotter than that Guy has any business being with.
  23. Conversely, drink whenever the Guy's is hotter than the girlfriend any business being with.

    (Yes, it's shallow, but for Christ's sake this is a MAKEOVE SHOW. And for thinking that, drink again.)

  24. Drink if Ted comments on the cheese found in the fridge.
  25. Do it twice if it is "american cheese".
  26. Drink the drink if the contents of the 'fridge are 50% condiments.

  27. When Carson touches the Guy's crotch, you should be taking a drink.
  28. Drink again when he makes an overtly sexual comment.

  29. Drink for each of the the Guy's friends and that are just plain hard to look at.
    (During that part when, you know, they show them all commenting on the Straight Guy.)

  30. Drink when they show the Straight Guy Fake Tanning.

  31. Drink if they let the Guy actually keep his facial hair,

  32. Drink if they take the Straight Guy out for a meal.
  33. Drink anytime it's not just Ted buying food with the Straight Guy

  34. Drink every time someone watching the show sees the Straight Guy in a new outfit and says "That's just too gay for him."

  35. Drink Whanever they show all the cast out shopping except Thom, because he's at the apartment working his ass off.

  36. Drink When they show the apartment after Thom worked his magic on it and someone in the viewing group says, "OOOH!"

  37. Thom just do a product placement for Pier One? Yes, drink.
  38. If Kirsty Alley gets mentioned, drink again.

  39. Drink if the Straight Guy cries because he's so touched.
    1. Drink if the Straight Guy cries out because he's touched so innapropriately.                                 - from: Gabe

  40. Drink Whenever someone yells "CHEERS, QUEERS!"
  41. Drink three if the Straight Guy ever says it.

  42. By this time, someone in your viewing group has probably hummed or otherwise sang the Queer Eye Dance Party Theme Song. Whoever did it should definately be taking a drink.

  43. When they show the FabCave for the first time, drink to show your respect.

  44. For every Fab Five cocktail that isn't in a martini glass, take a sip for yourself.
  45. If your cocktail is in a martini glass, take another sip.

  46. Drink if they comment negatively about the Guy's girlfriend.

  47. If they shamelessly plug Disaronno as a fine apertif with dinner for that special lady: Drink, drink and be happy youre not drinking Disaronno.

  48. Fuckit, whenever they show that goddamn Disaronno commercial - You know, the one with that woman thats shaped like a PEZ Dispenser (grossly skinny body, topped by a big big meatless head with extremely pulled back hair) sucking on the ice cube with her big ugly lips?
    Drink again, and be happy youre not drinking Disaronno.

  49. Drink when the camera crew works in a little shot of the Straight Guy's ass.

  50. Drink whenever the Fab Five say "He looks Hot!"

  51. Drink any time someone in the FabCave hugs someone else at the Couch.

  52. Drink when they make fun of the straight people.
  53. Drink when you make fun of the straight people.

  54. Drink every time Cyan bitches about the way the Guy shaves
  55. ...and every time one of them mentions "Straight Guy Speed Shaving"
                    Dear Fab Five,
                        WHAT THE FUCK? How slow do YOU shave?
                        Is there a mimimum time you should take shaving?
                        Is it like brushing your teeth, which you should do for three minutes?
                        Please tell us. I don't want to be shaving wrong for the rest of my life!
                                            - SJ

  56. Drink any one of them say, "Thats NOT what I told him to do!"

  57. Drink everything the Fab Five in unison scream "NOOOO!"

  58. Drink TWICE if the camera crew has to cut away from the Straight Guy's night out suddenly/quickly because the loving couple obviously went straight to doing some serious scrumping.

  59. Drink anytime the cast does something so gay that a gay guy in your viewing group says, "Ooh, that was really gay."

    ADDED/SUGGESTED BY READERS!

  60. Drink whenever any of the fab five use the buzzwords hip, trendy, edgy, or vintage.
                                    - from: Nick
                                      [i know. i'm pissed i didn't think of it, either]

  61. Drink whenever Carson teaches the Straight Guy to say "coture", or how to say a designer's name.
                                    - from: Spumanti
                                      [actually, Drink whenever they teach the Guy to say ANYTHING]

  62. Drink for everytime Carson says "Jujj" or "Jujjing"
                                    - from: Cassie & Amie
    [Note: This is the first, and probably only, time I get to take care of the requests ot two women simultaneously]

  63. If one of the Fab Five says, "Ooohhh, she SO wants to sleep with him" about some hottie who's now keen on the Straight Guy, due to incredible whirlwind makeover - Drink.
                                    - from: Lynn

  64. Drink when one of the Fab Five has to go on how pricey something is (e.g - That was $200 worth of Foie Gras!)
                                    - from: Frank

  65. Take a sip when any one of the Fab Five take part in blatant product placement not mentioned above (e.g. - "Your bedroom is Benjamine Moore Baltic Blue")
                                    - from: Frank [again! you go, girl!]

  66. When one of the Fab Five mention the breasts of the Straight Guy's Lady, drink!
                                    - from: Jen

  67. Drink whenever they show the Straight Guy in the bathroom taking off his clothes, causing the Fab Five to squeal.
    Or cringe.
                                    - from: Emily

  68. Sip it everytime one of the Fab Five says, "It takes a village, people!"
                                    - from: Amanda

  69. Whenever Kyan says "emulsify", take that product known as your drink, and drink it.
                                    - from: Toni D

  70. Drink when any of the Straight Guy's friends grimaces at the taste of the food he has prepared under Ted's tutelage.
                                    - from: Jenn [as opposed to Jen, above]
              [Jenn was thorough enough to provide an exact episode reference. Gold Star For Jenn!]

  71. Drink when they show Thom working so hard he's actually sweating. In fact, drink twice.
                                    - from: Jenn [yes, same Jenn]
              [Jenn was thorough enough to provide an exact episode reference. again.]

  72. Everytime Carson says "quick, like a bunny", drink one like a fish.
                                    - from: Deb W.

  73. When the Fab 5 are shown chucking the Guy's furniture out into the street, throw back a drink.
                                    - from: Jesica
              [ Jesica had originally has you slopping back half your drink when they threw out half the Guy's furniture. You can play that way if you like. ]

  74. Carson just call the Straight Guy "jackass"? Drink, jackass.
                                    - from: Stacey P

  75. Drink whenever Carson saye "Let's Motor"
                                    - from: about 50 different people

              [ Folks, PLEASE stop sending this as a suggestion. ]


You know the deal kids. You got a suggestion for a rule, email me with it sign up as a user and add it as a comment!
[ you gotta let me know how the hell you found this. -ed ]

Also, let me know is any of you monkeys are actually PLAYING this, or any of its variants.

Slap out.

3 Sep 03

1-866-LUV FAB 5
Call it.
Live it.
Love it.

ADDENDUM: - 10 Sep 03

A friend of mine sent me this: http://www.ucomics.com/tankmcnamara/2003/09/01/

Be sure to read the whole week, and goddamn Jeff Millar and Bill Hinds for putting the idea in print before I got my lazy ass around to doing it.

ADDENDUM, DEUX: - 21 Sep 03

The owner of neverseeme.com just emailled me about his creation:

drunk's eye on the Queer Guys

which has been around since Mid-August, as far as I can tell. It's really well done, unlike anything in here.

The rules are different, and the site even has suggested drinkables to play the game with. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

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