Mission to Mars?
Imagine doin' it on the MUNI!
There's so many things i was going to gripe about and then of course
laziness got the best of me and I put it off and forgot it. I thing I lost 7 of my
12 readers, so I better get crankin'.
Most of the things I was thinking of to write about aren't really rants per se,
but I'm just too goddamn lazy to add sections to this and I don't feel like staring
at the computer after doing 8 hours at work and then coming home and contracting
for an hour or two from home and then maybe doing a little tweaking on that annoying
couple (coming soon to a browser near you!)
I DO have a few ideas on what to add to the site. Eventually I'll implement them and
you'll all be better people for it. Until then, deal. It's my page, I'll update
when I damn well feel like it.
for a chuckle till then, go read prolefeed,
The guy is pretty fucking funny.
A few lessons from the past two weeks:
MISSION TO MARS
Filthy said when I told him I went to see it:
I warned you. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Kids, this movie is a fucking DAWG. Filth does a better job of ripping it up so
hit the link and read what he has to say. No, go ahead, I'll wait...
See? Every word he said was true. Really.
That column, by the way, should become your definitive guide to
moviegoing. 'nuff said
WARNING! This has some spoilers in it.
The whole thing is so "lets give them this to deal with, cause it'll
be fun!" that you really have to just roll your eyes at the whole thing.
The Alien Hologram crying? I about pissed in my pants laughing (I did piss in
them later, but that was because i just enjoy that warm spready feeling. J was
Special effects? Good, but you have to deal with looking around the BLATANT
PRODUCT PLACEMENT to notice it. I'm not kidding. The Mars Rover that they
tool around in? The first time you see it close up, the thing pulls up into the
shot and fills the screen with its hull.
...the hull that has a gigantic KAWASAKI on it. (I think it was Kawasaki,
but you get the point) This fills the whole screen for a second. They then pan
back to show you the door so you can see the astronauts get out nice and slowly.
The door? One big Pennzoil logo on it.
Apparently, Kawasaki gave the studio more money that Pennzoil did.
Apparently, this still isn't enough money to cover the film's budget, so they still
have to charge nine bucks to see it.
Apparently that haven't learned that if the movie wasn't a gigantic pile of
steaming dog crap people would pay to see it more than once.
Other things about the movie that I'm not a good enough writer to articulate into
BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
- The line "They're US..." should never be in a movie. No actor short of Lawrence
Olivier has the acting cahones to deliver it properly.
Since he's dead, it should be struck from moviemaking forever.
- When they FINALLY get into the big head and see all the shit they're going to
see and learn that the head has a ship in it to take them to meet their makers,
two of them leave Gary Sinese to go it alone in and ride in this big tube-thing.
~ What if they wanted to go with him? Where were THEIR tube-things?
~ What was the purpose of the big dramatic tube-thing filling with water?
Were we supposed to get all tense that the aliens would fucking drown him in the
last 10 minutes of the movie? duh.
~ I DID get "My husband is so smart" points from the wife because
I recognized that the alien countdown thingie was counting in binary.
- When are they going to realize that we're all not total fucking morons
and can remember things that happened in the flick a half hour ago without needing
to be shown a flashback in slow motion?
- What in the hell was Tim Robbins thinking doing this movie? Wasn't the
line "We just need to bring them new motherboards, drives, and software" a dead
giveaway that this movie was going to suck?
~ If you're going to talk tech in a science fiction movie, make sure all
the technical dialogue is meaningless-yet-coherent babble or you'll wind up sounding
like a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime.
~ Wouldn't a mission in space that was going on a nine month trip to
a hostile planet think to carry new "motherboards, drives, and software"
with them in shielded containers in case of magnetic or other EMP-type problems?
~ Even though CD-ROMs are old-school even now, you'd think an organization
smart enough to figure out how to take a shit in space without making a gigantic
mess would be smart enough to use them for at least a backup. Christ, even
my dad knows the value of a floppy for backing shit up...
- Wouldn't an astronaut be smart enough to slip himself to the line that
he was flyin around the middle of space on?
~ Yes, Folks, in the middle of the movie TIM ROBBINS THE ASTRONAUT
KISS MY ASS, HOLLYWOOD!
For those that don't know, the MUNI is the glorious public transit system of busses
and such in San Francisco. Service is so shitty that there's a weekly comic to mock it.
so there's some bitching about MUNI for you. In perfect world, Willie Brown
would read it and dosomethingg beyond trying to get elected to something else
after his stint as Da Mayor.
Base chance of getting a bus on time: 100%
- If the day is not a sunday: -15%
- If the time is between 7am - 10am or 3pm - 8pm: -35%
- If the bus needs to travel on a major street: -17%
- if the bus is electric: -18%
- You'll actually be able to sit down: 50%
- You will get to hear the tinny leak of noise out of someone's headphones: 85%
- out of more than 3 sets of phones at the same time: 50%
- more than 5 sets, with one of them so loud that you can actually hear the
bass, too: 40%
- And this guy is on the other end of the buss: 39%
- One of the people wearing the headphones will be singing along with them: 62%
- This person will be a totally crappy singer: 95%
- this person will know only a third of the lyrics: 74%
- This person will cop attitude when they notice the whole bus is staring
at them: 80%
- This person will stop singing: 0%
- There will be High School kids on the bus: 60%
- They will be loud and obnoxious: 87%
- There will be a person whose height in inches is greater than or equal to their
circumference sitting in the very last row: 18%
- Said "Large Person" will not need to get off the bus until the
thing is full of people standing in the aisle: 100%
- Said "Large Person" will act loudly indignant that they cant get
off the bus in a timely manner because there isn't room to get by: 80%
- Said "Large Person" will cough or rub their greasy skin on you as
they try to "slide by": 95%
- Number of seats by the door that were available when said "Large
Person" got on the bus: MANY
...ok, so I was a little traumatized by this whole event...
The busstop I go to to catch the bus home from work is in the middle of downtown
(4th and Market for locals). It is served by 3 bus lines, the 5, the 21, and the 31.
These all stop within 3 blocks of my place, so I can take any of them.
These busses run every 7, 9, and 11 minutes during peak hours. Logic would dictate
that these busses would be spaced a little, correct?
- Average time I wait for a bus at said stop: 17 minutes.
- Chance that I will not get on the bus because in that 17 minutes a small
army has gathered at the bus stop: 25%
- Chance that NOONE will get on the bus because the goddamn thing is chok
full o nutz: 20%
- Chance that the next bus behindd it will be completely devoidd of human
life sans the driver: 38%
Attitude towards doing anything when I get home from work: Piss-Poor.
No, really. The most Gentrified black guy onthehpeninsulaa was wearing a baseball
cap saying "Still Da Mayor" when he got re-elected. Hell, I think My
white ass may be blacker than him.
yeah, bring on the hate mail.
Last rambling bit:
For those of you that have sent "get well" wishes to my sick wife,
thanks a lot kids.
28 Mar 00
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