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ok, here's your fucking survey.

I'm gonna write a thing for bootyquake.com this week, so in leiu of a real update...

I have a lot of paople that I know that are into the forwarding of crap. Ususally it isnt too bad and they send little jokes and I read them and roll my eyes and delete them and that's that. Most of them are... ahem ...older.

I don't want to say that they don't get it, cause they do, but they don't seem to realise the sheer volume your average twentysomething (or 30-ish) person has to sift through on a daily basis when they're working in the computer industry.

Today Tom sent me this:


Here's what you're supposed to do. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. Remember to send yours back to the person who sent it to you. And enjoy!

Yeah, sure. Y'all can copy this and put it on webpages of your own, 'cause if I catch any of you emailing it I'll kill you.

It's like the first thing he's sent me in months, so It's not a big deal. But then I got to thinking.

This is the FIFTH TIME I've gotten this exact forward, and I don't send them out, and It got me a little pissed.

So....


This goes out to the asshole who thought these fucking surveys up in the first place. Along with the idiot that thought "e-petitions" were a great way to make the government sit up and listen to us.

Don't forget the fucking cocksmokers that think those "timmy the parapalecic deaf-mute who got falming anus-herpes from his sodomite great uncle will get a nickel for every email address on this forward" are funy to start, too.


NAME:
SlappyJack

LIVING ARRANGEMENT:
Living in sin with transcontinentalbudah. You want any more info than that, you better learn some remedial internet king-fu. Dick.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?:
They make a cool thudding sound when you hit people in the head with them. Like you.

YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?:
Thats like asking "What's your favorite stupid fucking junk email joke/list to get in your inbox for the nth time?"

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
None of your goddamn business.

FAVORITE BOARD GAME:
They still make board games?

FAVORITE MAGAZINE:
How to Kill Assholes that Make up Stupidass Internet Forwards Monthly

FAVORITE SMELLS:
The bathroom on a sunday morning after that first healthy hangover dump.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:
The beginning of said hangover dump.

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD:
Finishing said hangover dump.

FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK:
1001 Mallets Crushing your Skull - The Musical!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING?
The good lord didn't take me again...

pussy.

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?
No, but if I get another one of these gayass things in my email I'm gonna puke.

ROLLER COASTERS - SCARY OR EXCITING?
Dude, they're amusement rides. If they weren't scary they would suck. Like you.

PEN OR PENCIL?
pencils are for gradeschoolers. and you.

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
As few as possible. I DO try to screen shit like this out of my email, however.

FUTURE SON'S NAME:
Lothar, Spawn of Slappy, Killer of bandwidth-hogging-fuckheads-like-you.

FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME:
Slap's Daughter - the Woman who will never sleep with a shithead like you.

FAVORITE FOODS:
Anything that won't make my ass gassy.

DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS:
Yes, unlike you, I'm not a maladjusted freak with an oedipal complex.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Your Mom.

FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
blow me.

CROUTONS OR BACON BITS:
I'm kinda partial to ...waitaminit... THOSE AREN'T BACON BITS! There's a Black Cook in the Back with EXCZEMA!!!

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?:
A mallet into your forehead...

DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?
what in THE FUCK?!!?

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR:
The make and model, you pinhead, was a 1979 Chevy Impala Wagon.

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?
You, so I could personally kick the shit out of you.

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK:
Beer.

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
virgo, you nosy fuck.

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?
John Roger Beer.

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes, what kind of question is that? You mean to tell me you throw them away, you wasteful piece of shit?

GUYS -- IF A GIRL ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT?
Of course, after I cut holes where their boobs would be.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'd want to get paid $25,000 to kick your ass every time I got one of these fucking things in my inbox, seven Days a week, 52 weeks a year.

IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I've dyed my hair, and its not anything big. IT'S FUCKING HAIR FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Currently am, unlike you, you big freakish loser.

WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
nothing currently, but if you ever set foot in my house, they'll be covered in your blood.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Keep your hands the fuck off my glass, cause it's got my beer in it.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE?
cran-raps-snatchmellon surprise.
Get real. I know how to brew my own friggin Iced Tea.

FAVORITE MOVIE(S)?:
Anything with the word "Reaming", "Busty", or "Assmaster" in the title.

ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?
I jerk off with my Right hand, since thats what you're really asking. Pervert.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
no.

IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
A shovel, imbedded deep in your abdominal cavity.

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Your Mom. I gotta finish this up, 'cause she's waiting for "round two" if you know what I mean.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?:
0

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?:
anything with a turret.

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH:
Throwing Spammers to a pitful of Rabid Weasels.

SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON(S) WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
Tom Rose is responsible for my appreciation of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7. Nice thing? Oh...

Tom Rose is the tallest man I ever kissed

PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND:
Noone is going to respond. the fuckers don't know how to use the email link on the page as it is.

Slap out.

2 Nov 99

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This is just a perfect example of "Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean that you SHOULD."

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questions, ver 2.0

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