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cars, lawyers, and a PRINCSS.


What to chat about.

Ah, got it. Not a rant, but a story from a while back...
(shit... I'm turning into her...)

About four years ago, I was driving my little Geo Metro (bought under duress. I hated that fucking car) over to my friend Lisa's place to go to the movies. I was leaving the mall. I know - this was my first mistake, but i needed to go to like, uuuh... anyway.

I get in the car to go to Lisa's and of course it's around the same EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN SOCCER MOM in the Northglen/Westminster area has to get home to make dinner for the brood and her softball playin hub, so traffic is a goddamn mess.

On top of that, all this traffic is streamin down one street where there's this intersection with a stoplight (civic planning at its best) and the goddamn thing is BROKEN.


So we wait our turns, because even the most braindead of drivers knows that WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS STOPPED, SO DO YOU. I get to my turn to go, I'm making a left and I'm peeking out to make sure it all good and I roll out about a foot and I'm peeking and I roll out a little more and ba-WHAMMO!!!!!

My car is no longer facing the same direction and all I can see is the bottom of one of them sport-pickups. the thing used my car as the proverbial ramp. It flips in the air and hits te lightpole and lands on its wheels.


DEAD silence.

Then the fixture on the lightpole falls off and shatters into a million pieces on the street a foot in front of my car. I didn't know those things were five feet long.

I get oput of the car. I'm not hurt.
I look at the motorcycle cop who was "taking care of the corner". His eyes are about the size of Dolly Parton's chest.
everyone there is totally immobile, except me. I'm going over to the truck to see if this brain trust of a driver is ok.

she just keeps screamin "ohmygawd! ohmygawd! ohmygawd! ohmygawd! ohmygawd!" and waving her arms around - obviously not hurt.

The police and fire station - three blocks away. theres a million cops and 5 firetrucks there in 30 seconds. the first roller on the scene looks in my car and is completely confused. (the fine structural integrity of the car basically fell to shit and where there used to be a front end abruptly ended at the front axle now) Me, I'm pacing back and forth on the sidewalk and I announce that yes, thats my car, no, I'm not hurt, but "can you please take care of her and get her to shut the fuck up?"

They won't let me back into my car to get my zippo and my last smoke. I send this guy over to the 7-11 I was trying to fucking get to in the first place to buy me some smokes so him and his girlfriend will stop saying "...are you allright we saw everything you sure you're ok anything you need like in court as a witness or something we can do for you are you ok..."

They get her out of the truck and she walks to the ambulance where they promptly strap her to a board and put a neck thingie on her.

The helpful couple get back and I'm pacing but happy cause I got my smokes finally and they MAKE me sit down cause I wasn't having any of this "you could be hurt" crap.

They let me smoke, take my vitals, and talk me into going to the hospital in the other ambulance, whereupon I get strapped to a board with my own special little neckbrace and THEN they TAPE MY HEAD DOWN TO THE BOARD WITH A TOWEL ON WITHER SIDE OF IT. Normally, i would understand this, and not mind, but they managed to tape ONE eyebrow into a permanently raised position, so now I look like FUCKING SPOCK strapped down to board and it took them a mile before they got it out of there...

The doc can't believe I have nothing worse than a sprained thumb, a cop comes...

She got the ticket, but only after asking "You gonna give that guy in the little red car a ticket for pulling out in front of me?"

The cop told her, "uh, NO - didn't you notice the light being out?"

"Light? What Light?"


the best part ws her license plate. it read:

I   s h i t   y o u   n o t

but wait - it gets BETTER.

three years pass.

I get this message on the phone from a guy that has to serve me court papers and he doesn't want to come down to where i work because of the embarrassment factor. I tell him that my life is nothing but one big embarrassing episode and he can meet me and my lawyer and server me the papers.

Ok, Simon wasn't my lawyer, per se, but it was still pretty cool having him there.

I look at the papers, trying to figure out what te hell I could haev done to be getting papers and see:


SHARILYN M. WITT, an individual



SLAPPYJACK, an individual, and ROCKY MOUNTAIN SIGNAL, INC., a Colorado corporation,


The bitch was SUING ME

I couldnt believe it. For "damages in excess of $10,000.00".

Simon tells me to chill and that: A) Shes going after the company, i'm icing on the cake; B) Call my Car insurance company, they got lawyers n the payroll; C) She just slid in under the statuate of limitations - she probably realised she was short of money - this is never gonna go to court.

Then I look and see the thing that probably pissed me the most:
13.     As a direct and proximate result of SLAPPYJACK's negligence and negligence per se, plaintiff has sustained and will continue to sustain severs and premanent injuries including, but not limited to, pain and suffering, loss of enjoyment of life, loss of wages, loss of earning capacity, emotional distress, and medical expenses, all in an amount to be shown according to proof at a trial.

"loss of enjoyment of life"? Are you SHITTING ME??? We all lose enjoyment of life on a daily basis - thousands of times a day, for christ's sake, and do we go around suing the fuckhead that screws up our order of one fries and one coke at Mc Donalds, or the old lady that is going four miles an hour down the residential street in the middle of the two lanes or the pretentious asshole that talks on his call phone in the movie theatre?

No, we don't.

I didn't really have to do anything for the case. Went to the lawyer (Bayer, Case & McGee, P.C. - talk to Laura - she rocks), got all the paperwork - it was kinda interesting, I suppose.

The close of all this:

The Signal Company offered her $25 dollars, My insurnce guys offered her $50 - she took the money, case closed.

My close to all this:

SHARILYN M. WITT, an individual, can KISS MY ASS.

Slap Out

14 Sep 99

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