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My Asshole Friends

As I've mentioned before I have this group of friends that I've known since I was about 11 years old. You know the ones, I refer to them in here as "my asshole friends" - no one else I've known so far can live up to that level quite yet - though in The Big Room they're simply known as "the guys".

It's a good thing in a way, knowing someone that long and not having them as family - these are people you CHOOSE to keep in contact with, even though I'm sure if we were to meet today for the first time we'd probably think the others were just a big bunch of jerks.

Pic o' Slap Being that we've known each other for so long, pretty much all politenss and decorum has been chucked right out the window. Take the pic to the right... that's how one of the guys used to draw me in high school.
Pretty, hunh? (Maybe someday I'll scan bunch of the classic GrAdams comics and put them in here.)

So, when I put this page up, the address eventualy got around to them and they would come by and read it, and try to figgure out what the hell I was trying to say, and then usually email me to tell me how bad it sucks in this way or that. They do, however, keep coming back (except boo, because he's a snot who won't look at it because I asked him to once. Grudgemeister.)

I put a guestbook on this thing a few months ago (coded it my little own self - I do so love reinventing the wheel so its crappier and less functional), and then made a big stink about you, oh gentile reader, signing it. This was seen as an open invitation to throw the Guys-patented "stupid switch".

At first I just edited them out and put kind little note below the entry form to cut it out, which was seen as an open invite to see if they could put a bunch of stupid crap in there and I would miss one.

So here thay are, the guys responsible for filing my address book with obscure refrences and stuff that nobody would understand, along with their dumbass comments.


Evil Stebe James Morphet

Where can I get an 18-course meal in Denver?

[ not sure, but from the roundness of your face, you don't look like you need it, Bucko. ]


El Bombastico!!
I understand that you have a bald spot that is rapidly encroaching on the remainder of your noggin's real estate. Christ, man!! Think about the lice!! They've learned to combat the slickness, but for this there may be no defense!! Oh, woe for the lil' licee's...WOAAAAAA!!!!!!!
your estranged boyfriend Manny
[ Amazingly enough, this guy actually went to PRINCETON,
can you freaking believe that? I still find it hard to... ]
I'm going to
kill you till yer dead
then pound yer head
kill you till yer dead
then pound yer head
kill you till yer dead
then pound yer head
believe me jerky
cuz it's SWUT I SAID!!!!
[ Even more amazing, the author of that has a masters in poetry, too.
I think it shows, don't you? ]

Izzy Ecdysiast
Do you know of any webpages where I can pay six dollars an hour to see a woman strip in real time?

Zombie-fied Bill
Errrrrrr....hissssss....crave....human....FLESH!!...ssssssss ....mmmeow!!!!....arowwwwllll!!! .....'!!!!!!!

Yasser Arafat
You censoring me?
[ Now, for those of you that still use AOL and think this all is real - This isn't Yasser Arafat. I know Yasser Arafat, I've had dinner with Yasser Arafat, and Stebe - you ain't no Yasser Arafat. ]

your psychiatrist
[ XXXXXXX ], After recently looking over your site, it is my recommendation that we increase our sessions to a daily basis, rather than the every-other-day schedule we adopted last month. Understand that this is not a request, but a state social-services mandated order. It is also my opinion that we triple your current dosage of Thorazine- please see my secretary for your updated prescription. We'll get well together, Anthony- you have my word.
Lord Surly

[ Now this guy, well, he's just a bigass freak. He used to walk around saying, things like "Schnork Korkle Porky." ]

your psychiatrist again

Umm- I meant Slappy, not [ XXXXXXX ]. Sorry. I'm very busy here. [ XXXXXXX ] must have been my LAST patient. Actually, I have absolutely no idea who [ XXXXXXX ] is.
I've never even heard the name before. How's it pronounced? Hmm, what is that, French? Yiddish? Zunni? Pennsylvania Dutch? Very nice, very nice. Get that prescription, Slap. Four times a day. With water. No Cuervo!!
[ He also likes to think I'm some kinda pimp daddy or something. ]
[ UPDATE 1 Nov 98 - Or course, being that my friends are gigantic assholes and won't leave this alone, Bald-Boy felt he needed to add more retardedness to the guestbook. ]

DMModok I am Power

Your using my image without my goddam permission, and as a result I'm going to cause you to bleed publicly onto a snowball.

I am the alien head
I am the alien head.
I will destroy you and your hapless minions.

I am the alien head.
I will put the kneepads on you.

I am the alien head.
Computers are not a toy for the unruly.

I am the alien head.
Before my furious gaze all shall burn.

This web site is infested with kobolds. There is a five-hit-dice green slime lurking on the ceiling.

OTOH, there is a chest filled with healing potion. Unfortunately, as your cleric is on a four-day> bender, and your eighth-level magic user has checked in to Hazeldon, you are unable to do anything but mourn that day years ago when you failed to TAKE BACK NET.

[ We used to play D&D as kids - While I see nothing wrong with it, the dork-boys seem to think it's funny to call it un-cool. Which of course it is, when you feel you must refer to it all the time. (There's no head here because I'm not sure which one of them did it) ]

Your mail link doesn't work.

Here's a fun fact: Slappo won the Tony "Spoon" Nelson lookalike contest in early 1986.

[ Again with the D&D crap. You think they'd get their little teeny brains over this.... this IS from someone in the UK, as far as I can tell, because the email this sends me says it was sent at GMT + 0. Hunh. Apparently I know assholes all over the world... its not blantly obvious who this is to me, and I'd be surprised if they were smart enough to change their system clocks.

My links WERE screwed up as far as my email went, however. That's fixed, not that anyone fucking uses them. ]

(if you haven't figured it out, I tossed some extra crap in their emails so
webspiders don't get their addresses.
Fucking Asshole Spammers.
If you happen to BE a Spammer-Asshole, I hope you:
"choke on your own cum and die!"
as my buddy Eddie used to say. He was a prince.)

Yep, those are my buds. Maybe now you have a little more insight into why I'm just one big permamently irritated goofball.

Inane and purile as they are, you just gotta love 'em.

Slap out.

31 Oct 98

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Go Here: Scowl, Nu?
Stop reading yer buds site and they go and redo the whole damn thing.

By the way, these are the folks that are directly responsble for me being a married man now.

no, I haven't forgiven them for it yet.

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