They have email access while they're gone, I've been sending them updates:
These are excerpts only, I'm pretty sure you don't wanna read about my fucking cats

Update Un:

- I got your wine, and they guy said it is standard practice for the getter of the wine to ber given a bottle, so I drank one of them.

- I got your mail

- The bottle of wine I drank was so good I decided to drink two.

- I nabbed some DVDs of yours to watch here in my umemployed days

- Then I went into the bedroom and tried to figure out which side of the bed was Xxxxxx's. I couldn't tell (even by sniffing) so to be thorough, I bareassed both sets of pillows.

last night I went and got your mail. That mailbox key sucks ass, by the way.

Checked house, nothing is stolen.

I had to re-bareass the pillows becasue the smell just isn't sticking them the way I like. I also climbed my grimy post-building booty in between the sheets and stripped naked - writhing the whole time.

I thnik I may have pooted a couple times, too.

Tonight we had dinner at In and Out Burger, because [someone] was too hung over to cook. And because we were in the neighborhood.

They don't have In and Fucking out In Fucking Europe. Do they, Motherfucker?!?!

I couldn't find the keys that were JUST office keys, so I took your main set. Then I bareassed them AND re-bareassed only Xxxxxxx's side of the bed. Its getting nicely quite funky. I also tried to bareass his guitars and record player, but that was kinda hurty, so I stopped.

Yes, I basically just walk around your empty apartment with no pants on, ass at the ready.

Neither of the Wonder Twins made it to your apartment while I saw gone, so some of your mail is a little crunched - sorry. One of you got a check from someplace, so I forged a name, cashed it and blew the money on strippers. Couldn't find anyone that good looking, but I did learn that ugly strippers give mean head, so your cash was NOT wasted.

[Detalis of checking some computer stuff at their office them, which I'm not going to tell you about. The rest of the office did look at me funny, probably because I haven't shaved in a week]

As far as payment goes, fuck that. Its not like you haven't cooked a few thousand dollars worth of meals for me and mine over the past four years. I did bareass your office chair AND that comfy chair in the corner - Nice and juicy - so there's my payment!

Now, you're saying, "Come ON, you didn't REALLY bareass all their stuff! How could you just randomly cash a check that wasn't yours? You didn't do all that stuff, did you?"

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Maybe I only bareassed the brown cuch so they can't tell so easily. Only I will truly know, and only they will truly find out...

What's the lesson here?

Maybe there will be more to come. I don't know, don't really care, and I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Unrelated to anything: Sign up for the fucking SlappyJack Army! Its fun and educational!

Slap out

13 Sep 03

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