Sorry, Ladies, I'm already married
I'm currently looking for the NEXT Ex-Mrs. SlappyJack.
[ bio ]
[ rants ]
[ media ]
[ buy crap ]
[ postcards ]
[ login ]
[ bad photography ]
[ kiss my ass ]
[ sidebar ]
[ other ]
[ email ]

Adventures in Joblessness, Deux.

As most people know, I was ungloriously let go at quite possible the worst time for finding a job in the past 10 years.


To alleviate the crushing boredom and sorrow I like to read Fuck That Job!. A briliant site that basically shows what complete assholed a lot of employers have turned into in the wake of there being way too many of us out there looking for a gig.

Today I think I may have have found a valid submission to ol' FTJ.

Looking for work on CraigsList (sidenote: those os you lucky to have craigslist set up for your cities, you should really use it. It is the BALLS!) I find this job posting.

Search Engine Optimization Account Manager

Reply to:
Date: 2003-07-14, 2:48PM

Search Marketing is one of the fastest growing online marketing consulting companies in the Bay Area and a leader in search engine marketing. Search Engine Marketing (SEM) has come of age. Americans conduct an estimated 790 million searchers per week, according to research from Media Metrix. At Search Marketing, we help companies increase traffic from search engines and directories.

Job Description
Research and analyze client’s website and keywords
Conduct detailed competitive analysis
Research actual queries from live databases and recommend keywords and phrases
Create and write compelling keywords, title and meta tags
Review website’s link architecture, page content and other information and develop recommendations designed to improve overall visibility in crawler-based search engines
Provide phone consultations and answer client questions
Research, recommend and implement paid inclusion services
Submit fully optimized webpages to Google, Yahoo, Open Directory, Alta Vista and others
Provide accurate metrics and reporting for Link Popularity, Keyword Positions & Search Referrals
Prepare Paid Advertising programs on Google Adwords Select, Overture and other CPC engines

Job Requirements
• 2-3 years prior experience as a search engine optimizer OR webmaster
• BA/BS degree in Computer Science or related fields
• Excellent copywriting skills
• Knowledge of marketing, internet search and web technologies
• Experience with keyword research and analysis
• Experience with search engine metrics and reporting
• Understand how search engines spiders work in scoring webpages
• Well-versed in the do’s and don’ts of SEO
• Ability to manage multiple client projects simultaneously
• Ability to prepare and present SEO strategies and results to client
• Proficiency with, XML, HTML, Webposition Gold, WordTracker, WebTrends, Excel, Word and PowerPoint

Ideal Characteristics
• Enthusiasm for problem solving and the ability to work independently and rapidly
• Outstanding account management and follow-through skills, resourceful, and detail oriented
• Must be sensitive to client situations, and able to interface with sales managers
• Excellent customer skills, and able to work in complex customer situations
• Strong organizational and communication skills, both verbal and written
• Must be customer oriented, team player, self-motivator, and able to hit the ground running

Compensation $25,000 per year with quarterly bonuses based on financial performance

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Phone calls about this job are ok.
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Reposting this message elsewhere is OK.
this is in or around San Francisco

Copyright © 2003 craigslist

So, lets start right off the bat with what is bullshit about this:
  1. The guy wants you to Have a BS in compsci, and konw how to basically run your own website.

  2. This would be great if running a website was the job, but its not.

  3. The job is reading other peoples sites ("clients") and figure out what keywords would be "Optimal" for getting search engines to notice them.

  4. Remember back in grade school you were taught how a good paragraph (unlike the ones that appear here) contain a main idea, and the rest of the sentences were supporting that main idea? This is the same thing.

  5. Most of us learned to do this at the age of 8 or so but Mr. D. Everson thinks you should have a CompSci degree to do it.

  6. Of course, a large part of "Search Engine Optimization" has nothing to do with whats actually on the page thats being talked about in the first palce, but geting sweetheart deals with Companies that claim to be search engines but are actually direstories.

  7. That, and using all sorts of slimeball tricks to fool the actual search engines into thinkking you have better contant than you actually do.

  8. As a side note, "Search Engine Optimization" is a job that guys that started companies during the boom gave to old fraternity brothers or women they were sleeping with, and wished to continue sleeping with, but were tired of the out of pocket expense of a girlfriend.

  9. So basically D. Everson is looking for someone with a hardcore technical background, that is willing to be a weasely suit-type, and take nothing more than $25K a year for it.

  10. $25,000 a year folks. In San Francisco thats slmost enough to buy a monthly bus pass so you can get to work and home again, home being A ROOM with a hotplate and a small window with glass you pray is bulletproof. In this room, you have enough money to eat ramen noodles! Sometimes TWICE A DAY!

Needless to say, I sent this fool a quick email:

-------- Original Message --------
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 11:09:52 -0700
From: SlappyJack 
Subject: Re: Craigslist



Is this a serious job posting, or are you just joking around?

I mean, you want someone that can basically run their own site to take 
this job for pay they can get at the McDonalds at 6th and Market?

AND, this is to do the non-job of "Search Engine Optimization"

Wow, man, you got some BALLS.


       "I've always been considered an asshole for
       about as long as I can remember.
       That's just my style."
                        - Royal Tenenbaum
-------- -------- -------- --------
Maybe I'll get lucky and hear from him, but probably not.

Email him yourself! Tell him hes a dink!

Slap out.

15 Jul 03

0 comments [ add ]

[ semi-permalink ]  


Postcard for You!

Click It! Send It!

Go Here: Foreign Terrorist Organizations
Hey Look, Terrorists! Thanks, gub'ment!

Read This: Ender's Game
    Orson Scott Card
Little Kids do the Darndest things!

the joys of me.
American Chopper, The Drinking Game.

all original writing and graphics, unless otherwise noted,
Copyright © 1997-2018 Webstuff by SlappyJack. All Rights Reserved
Your Mom told you not to steal, so piss off. - Est. 1998
[ GeoURL | Legal ]
[ Bullshit RSS | FanList | SpamList ]
Modwest, brave host of Modwest, brave host of