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so ya gots the urge, ya say?

Being a man, I'm bad at buying presents.

Being me, I'm really bad at buying presents.

Being that I'm now married to a present-purchasing monster, I can pretty much slack off on having to find that perfect gift for the right person. I gladly gave that power, along with most other important decision making processes, over to the wife roughly the second after we got back from Tahoe.

This covers most situations except for the most important: How in the hell do I know what to buy HER?

Guys, lemme tell you the tricks:

  • Pay attention to where she shops and what she picks up to look at. The longer it's fondled and drooled over, the more surefire it is.

  • Listen to her prattle on with the girls about stuff you'd normally let pass right through your head. You only need to do this for a few weeks prior to purchase, as to keep on whats current and not hurt your brain.

  • Women, while the fairer sex, are terrible about being subtle. You know when they're "dropping" hints, pay attention.

This leads me to an actual story, you can stop skipping ahead now.

Have you seen them Herbal Essences commercials? You know the ones. Women are sitting around sipping tea or whatever and blathering on about their freaking periods or something and one of them invariably says, "URGE???"

Then you hear some disembodied orgasmic voice repeatedly say:

"Urge? URGE??? URGE!!!!"

In some unknown corner, there have been three buff-stalker-male-hairdresser-types in tight black T-Shirts just waiting to rush out and shampoo the woman's hair, which they do -- all the while singing a catchy little jingle.

(One commercial has the band 98 degrees bursting out of a poster to wash the hair, which just tells you thay have no career left. I hear theres some Britney tie-in with that godawful Crossroads movie. then again, I'd pay money to watch her wash her hair, or have her wash mine, but I digress...)

The woman starts thrashing around while geting her hair washed, screaming orgasmically, "Yes! YES!!!YES!!!!"

Then suddenly the men are gone, there are 50 people staring at her like shes a big retard; but she doesn't care, because shes got clean coiffed hair. they usually throw in a shot of some other woman knowingly giving her a wink or a thumbs-up as if saying Welcome to the club, Sister.

The first time I saw one of these I was completely befuddled. THIS is supposed to make someone buy shampoo? Why? My primitive man-brain couldn't understand, the rudimentary helper-brain at the base of my spine was in pain from the effort, and for God's sake it's just freaking shampoo!

The wife, of course, LOVES these commercials. (This shit is so popular with the womenfolk there is a CLUB HERBAL) She loves them so much that four months ago she makes the statement:

If that were to happen to me, it would be the best thing ever.

(Remember what I was saying earlier? The seemingly unreleated thing about the gifts?)

This little nugget is stored away in memory and about six weeks ago, I enlist Gay Correspondent Paul Jack and shamuS? with the following statements:

The boss wants to have that Herbal Essences thing to happen to her.
Gay Hairdressers are your department.
It will cause drama.
Get to it.

(Paul scampers off with glee in his eyes. shamuS? looks at me like I'm out of my fucking mind and goes back to his indie-rock)

About a week later, Paul drags me over to a computer to show me that he has indeed started the search for the aforementioned hairwashers, posting to


The following is a transcript of the craigslist posting and its happenings:

-----[Original Craigslist Posting]-----


"Need Escort for Bizarre Herbal Essences Fantasy"

I have a friend whose birthday approaches.  Because my friends and I 
are very deranged, this is what we've decided to give her for her 

We're going to arrange a quiet little get-together at her place, but 
halfway through the cocktail hour, the door will suddenly burst open and 
three gorgeous men wearing tight-fitting black clothing will usher in 
Clairol Herbal Essence shampoo and wash her hair for her.  

So we need three gorgeous men willing to wash a woman's hair.  We're 
not asking for anything sexual here.  In fact we'd prefer the guys to be 
gay so her husband doesn't get all threatened.  Please respond with 
photo and hourly rate.  I never claimed to be correct.

-----[Reply #1]-----
This is so funny, I cant even stand it!! are you gonna have music 
from the commercial playing?  When is this get together?  Me, I am 
6"3' In shape  white guy/  31 years old .  Bleached blonde hair, I 
would LOVE to be part of this. will send a pic,  But, I cant send it 
to the CL adress , the pic is to big. reply and I will send one back 

-----[Reply #2]-----
i just read your ad and wanted to tell you what a BRILLIANT idea you 
have for your friend's birthday!!! I sure wish I fit the bill to be 
one of the guys, but I don't. Just know that you are truly a good 
friend to have, for making this a birthday she will not soon forget.

-----[Injustice #1]-----
Hi there,

Your posting has been flagged by the community as being miscategorized 
so we've moved your listing from the "men seeking men" category to the 
"wanted" category.  This is a more appropriate category and helps us 
keep the listings better organized and searchable.  We really appreciate 
your help with future postings by double checking the category you 
choose and only posting to the most appropriate sections.

P.S.  If you see other ads miscategorized please "flag" the posting(s).  
Just go to the posting and use the "flag for review" box on the right 
side of the posting.  This will bring the posting to our attention and 
we can then respond accordingly.  In this way we allow the community to 
tell us what they want to see in the categories.  Your feedback is 
important to us!!  

-----[Reply #3]-----
... I love your sense of humor.  That is so
beautifully sick!  

Wish you were MY friend....

-----[Reply #4]-----
    I am responding to your ad for the Herbal Essences improve at your 
party. I am a former nude model and personal trainer. My roomate is 
also a trainer and would be working with me. We would definitely like to 
get some more details of your event. NnnnN XXX-XXXX Nnnn XXX-XXXX

-----[Response to Craigslist]-----

Thank you for your recent notice informing me that my
craigslist ad -- "Need Escorts for Bizarre Herbal
Essences Fantasy" -- was miscategorized.  I am very
happy to know that our community is so actively
involved in policing their online space that they 
identified "Need Escorts for Bizarre Herbal Essences
Fantasy" as misplaced, while keeping such other ads as
"$marriage$" and "Did anybody go to the ORGY last

Indeed, "Need Escorts for Bizarre Herbal Essences
Fantasy", being posted by a gay man in search of three
other gay men, did not belong in the "men seeking men"
category, where ads such as "Where Are Private
Gloryholes in East Bay?" and "Any hermaphrodites in
SF?" should live.  

I feel so fortunate that somebody had the insight and
courage to flag "Need Escorts for Bizarre Herbal
Essences Fantasy" while leaving appropriate messages
such as "I'll Clean Your Place in the Buff" and
"Generous GWM seeks Houseboy" unscathed.  

Furthermore, I see clearly now that my plea for the
shampoo-savvy should not be taking valuable space away
from properly categorized posts like the gentleman
searching for other classical musicians ("CALLING ALL
CLASSICAL MUSICIANS!") and the professional
pornographers offering new work to up-and-coming
models ("Video Sex Party").

Lo, what a wonderous age we live in.  Oh well.


-----[That's all folks!]-----

The best part of all this is that not only did Paul and shamuS? make craigslist their BITCH with one letter, they FOUND THREE HAIRWASHERS.

Now she's thinking something is up, and doing everything in her power to get someone to slip up and tell her. The story we stick to is that the boys are coming by work at 3 with her Birthday Presents, and that's all.

Feb 26th was the big day (if you forgot, she WILL accept presents late...).

She's now GRILLING people, just short of typing them to a chair and dripping water on their heads, trying to find out what's going to happen.

The office all went out for drinks -- I mean lunch -- at Chevy's to celebrate ('cause we're classy). 2.30 rolls up and we walk back to the office.

Presents are brought out at the lunch table.

I love my Gifts!

Abnormal sets up photography lighting to take pictures of present opening.

Nobody finds this odd, since he's always doing fucked up stuff like setting up photo lights for no reason.

Paul, shamuS?, and Larry show up. The wife's eyes get all wide.

Paul shuts that shit down with, "We forgot the big gift, but we have a few small ones"

shamuS?: "No, we don't. sorry, yo."

Her face looks completely crushed. She goes back to 'happily' opening the rest of her gifts, then we all sit there kinda quiet...

Wife: "So. Yeah. Thank you guys. That was really nice."

Myself: "Honey, don't you just have the urge to open more gifts?"

Wife: "What the hell are you..."

[Enter trio of black shirt wearing buff hair washers singing She's Got The Urge!]



These freaking guys knew ALL THE WORDS to the song. Then they knew all the words to some other freakish Herbal Essences song that Britney sings!

They had shampoo, they had water, they had a basin.... Everything came together nicely.

Apparently, these three gents are Culinary Students, do some catering on the side, and are now available to wash hair! They truly rocked.


As you can see, everyone had a generally good time. Hair was washed. The guys got some free sextoys. The girls each picked their favorite Herbal Boy. Paul, shamuS?, and Larry each picked their favorite Herbal Boy. I went and smoked a butt. The wife emailed everyone she knew to tell her about the best birthday ever.

I love my Urge Boys!

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Remember, guys, pay attention.

Slap Out

28 Feb 02

I don't know if these guys are available for more hair washing, but you can ask me...

Herbal Essences, Club Herbal, and all of that other horrifying herbal shampoo shit is copyrighted...
©2002 Clairol, Inc. All rights reserved.

Go to the site. I'm not making this shit up.

I just don't want you guys to think I'm in ANY WAY responsible for what they do. Though, I fully expect a letter from their lawyers soon enough.


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