Your Art is Wrong!
so ya gots the urge, ya say?
Being a man, I'm bad at buying presents.
Being me, I'm really bad at buying presents.
Being that I'm now married to a present-purchasing monster, I can pretty much slack off on having to find that perfect gift for the right person. I gladly gave that power, along with most other important decision making processes, over to the wife roughly the second after we got back from Tahoe.
This covers most situations except for the most important: How in the hell do I know what to buy HER?
Guys, lemme tell you the tricks:
This leads me to an actual story, you can stop skipping ahead now.
Have you seen them Herbal Essences commercials? You know the ones. Women are sitting around sipping tea or whatever and blathering on about their freaking periods or something and one of them invariably says, "URGE???"
Then you hear some disembodied orgasmic voice repeatedly say:
"Urge? URGE??? URGE!!!!"
In some unknown corner, there have been three buff-stalker-male-hairdresser-types in tight black T-Shirts just waiting to rush out and shampoo the woman's hair, which they do -- all the while singing a catchy little jingle.
(One commercial has the band 98 degrees bursting out of a poster to wash the hair, which just tells you thay have no career left. I hear theres some Britney tie-in with that godawful Crossroads movie. then again, I'd pay money to watch her wash her hair, or have her wash mine, but I digress...)
The woman starts thrashing around while geting her hair washed, screaming orgasmically, "Yes! YES!!!YES!!!!"
Then suddenly the men are gone, there are 50 people staring at her like shes a big retard; but she doesn't care, because shes got clean coiffed hair. they usually throw in a shot of some other woman knowingly giving her a wink or a thumbs-up as if saying Welcome to the club, Sister.
The first time I saw one of these I was completely befuddled. THIS is supposed to make someone buy shampoo? Why? My primitive man-brain couldn't understand, the rudimentary helper-brain at the base of my spine was in pain from the effort, and for God's sake it's just freaking shampoo!
The wife, of course, LOVES these commercials. (This shit is so popular with the womenfolk there is a CLUB HERBAL) She loves them so much that four months ago she makes the statement:
(Remember what I was saying earlier? The seemingly unreleated thing about the gifts?)
This little nugget is stored away in memory and about six weeks ago, I enlist Gay Correspondent Paul Jack and shamuS? with the following statements:
Gay Hairdressers are your department.
It will cause drama.
Get to it.
(Paul scampers off with glee in his eyes. shamuS? looks at me like I'm out of my fucking mind and goes back to his indie-rock)
About a week later, Paul drags me over to a computer to show me that he has indeed started the search for the aforementioned hairwashers, posting to craigslist.org.
The following is a transcript of the craigslist posting and its happenings:
The best part of all this is that not only did Paul and shamuS? make craigslist their BITCH with one letter, they FOUND THREE HAIRWASHERS.
Now she's thinking something is up, and doing everything in her power to get someone to slip up and tell her. The story we stick to is that the boys are coming by work at 3 with her Birthday Presents, and that's all.
Feb 26th was the big day (if you forgot, she WILL accept presents late...).
She's now GRILLING people, just short of typing them to a chair and dripping water on their heads, trying to find out what's going to happen.
The office all went out for drinks -- I mean lunch -- at Chevy's to celebrate ('cause we're classy). 2.30 rolls up and we walk back to the office.
Presents are brought out at the lunch table.
Abnormal sets up photography lighting to take pictures of present opening.
Nobody finds this odd, since he's always doing fucked up stuff like setting up photo lights for no reason.
Paul, shamuS?, and Larry show up. The wife's eyes get all wide.
Paul shuts that shit down with, "We forgot the big gift, but we have a few small ones"
shamuS?: "No, we don't. sorry, yo."
Her face looks completely crushed. She goes back to 'happily' opening the rest of her gifts, then we all sit there kinda quiet...
Wife: "So. Yeah. Thank you guys. That was really nice."
Myself: "Honey, don't you just have the urge to open more gifts?"
Wife: "What the hell are you..."
[Enter trio of black shirt wearing buff hair washers singing She's Got The Urge!]
Wife: "OHMYGOD! NO YOU DIDN'T! OHMYGOD!!!!"
These freaking guys knew ALL THE WORDS to the song. Then they knew all the words to some other freakish Herbal Essences song that Britney sings!
They had shampoo, they had water, they had a basin.... Everything came together nicely.
Apparently, these three gents are Culinary Students, do some catering on the side, and are now available to wash hair! They truly rocked.
As you can see, everyone had a generally good time. Hair was washed. The guys got some free sextoys. The girls each picked their favorite Herbal Boy. Paul, shamuS?, and Larry each picked their favorite Herbal Boy. I went and smoked a butt. The wife emailed everyone she knew to tell her about the best birthday ever.
Best. Birthday. Ever.
Remember, guys, pay attention.
28 Feb 02
I don't know if these guys are available for more hair washing, but you can ask me...
Herbal Essences, Club Herbal, and all of that other horrifying
herbal shampoo shit is copyrighted...
Go to the site.
I'm not making this shit up.
I just don't want you guys to think I'm in ANY WAY responsible for what they do.
Though, I fully expect a letter from their lawyers soon enough.
Go to the site. I'm not making this shit up.
I just don't want you guys to think I'm in ANY WAY responsible for what they do. Though, I fully expect a letter from their lawyers soon enough.
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