Goddamnit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good!
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The apparent moral of Planet of the Apes is as follows:
When presented with the choice of flying back to your home planet or staying where you are with a hot big titty chick:
For the love of God, stay with the big titty chick!

Don't forget to read about the glory of the Quokka Auction.

Slap Out

29 Jul 01

ADDENDUM - 2 Aug 01

In light of all this apeness, i got the following in an email from the E-Man

Although, if you noticed, towards the end that the female ape (Helena Bonham Carter) was kinda sweet on ol' Marky Mark. So, if he stayed, he coulda nailed the hotsy totsy blonde chic (who, as evidenced earlier, was okay with bondage) and the female ape. And if he got real lucky, he coulda angled for some awkward threesome action. Any you haven't lived until you've had three way monkey bondage love.

Overall, I was a bit disappointed with this thing. Marky Mark was a pretty weak lead, IMO. Just gasping, running and being out of breath is acting? The whole crashed spaceship thing was obvious (notice how the human symbol and the symbol above Uncle Apey Charley's window where the same shape as the Oberon?). Same for the obvious "surprise ending". The ending sets it up for a sequel, because everyone's asking "how did Evil General Ape leave the battle, go back in time and take over DC?" (or did I miss something)

Hey, if they can make THREE shitty movies out of the shitty "Mummy". (I'm waiting for the Rock to say "if ya smellllll what cooking") I'd say "Apes" is a shoo-in for a sequel. Crap will begat more crap.

That boy is a genuis, i say.

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