Goddamnit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good!
MORE LIVE NUDE SLAPPYJACK!
I'm on TV again!
CBS MarketWatch is doing a story about dot-com people flocking to the porn industry in order to get a paycheck. Since we were on TV somewhere else, WE HAVE TO BE ON THEIR SHOW NOW!
I think its because we don't look like fat greasy guys with open shirts and gold
chains that the TV loves us. Anyway, were on this weekend, time varies by
location. You can look up your city here:
I know. Most of you have already missed it. It'll be on the site this coming week.
My Mom saw it this morning. She said I AM THE FREAKIN FEATURED GUY!!!
She didn't actually say it like that, but you get the idea.
The story was more IT focused, or so the people told us, and they interviewed me for about 5 minutes (note to self: When there is an even remote possibility thet you're going to be the subject of a one-shot, wear a T-SHIRT PROMOTING YOUR OWN SITE. Duh.) I told them like it is, "I'm a coder, It makes no difference what we're selling. It all works the same on my end."
Of course, they still insist on calling us porn, when we're not.
This weekend I sent the wife away to her mother's house and traded her companionship for one weekend of bachelor-holicism with the web-famous Terrance Joseph Lee.
TJ (which actually stands for Templeton Javier) so far has been quite the polite houseguest and a swell guy to go drinking with. He did managed to, as I told my mother "give me quite the ass-raping" twice this morning.
IN CHESS! I was talking about playin' chess, you homoerotic gossip-seekin' sickos!
All in all, I'd have to currently rate my weekend spent with Mr. Thaddeus Jefferson Lee (ok, thats really what the TJ stands for) an 8 out of 10, losing one point for not bringing enough cash and making me send the "Magnificent Seven" team of double-jointed-nymphomaniac-massuse-gymnast hookers away, and one point for putting the toilet paper roll on backwards this morning.
(Tail end goes over, Always Over!)
Ben sent me this suggestion:
Hook it up, people! Cost them fuckers some MON-AY!
So, have you guys seen the latest attempt by McDonalds to suck little kids in getting hooked on food that is higher in nutrition coming out of your body than it was coming in?
I'm obviously talking about their new commercial about the the Atlantis cross-market. This is no more offensive than the other 8 million cross sells Mickey D's has done in the past, but this one has just gone over the top of offensiveness. Not only because they have a little line about how cool SUVs are (that's right, indoctrineate the young early! Make sure they get a positive mindset about those gas-guzzling, climate-warping, bad-drivers-made-worse fuckers before they can form their own opinion about them... I wonder how much the auto industry pennied up for that one), but because....
Well, step back a second. See, in the original ad, Johnny M. America is working his after school job at the local McSlop and suddenly Theres a person talking into the drive thru headset in an odd foreign tongue!!!
Oh No! J. Midwest America is taken aback! He cannot fathom how to deal with foreigners! Confusion rattles his "BB in a tin can" brain! He is scared!
Thankfully, his ever-smiling manager (who I'm 99% sure is played by Corinne Bohrer, B-Movie star. Nice to see she's still finding ways to get a paycheck) turns to him and says "I speak Atlantian!" and says a couple sentences and gives over the food and so on and so forth...
This was corporate offensiveness that I'm so accustomed to that I wasn't even going to mention it...
I see the same commercial, and i notice that THEY HAVE SUBTITLED THE SMILING MANAGER'S DIALOG.
Yes, yes they did. "Hi!", "Ham & Cheese Sandwich?" is apparently what she's saying (totally breaking the corporately approved script that if uttered by J.M.A. would have caused her to spin around and give him a McDemerit for breaking company policy). This got me thinking why they would do this, and then it came to me.
People in this country actually complained that they could not understand what Smiling Manager Girl (pardon me, "Smiling Manager middle aged woman") was saying and they demended an explanation!
To which I say: If you happen to see me on the street someday as you drive by in your car, could you please just accelerate and swerve slightly and put me out of my misery?
Strike that. I may have another few chances to get on TV.
30 Jun 01
P.S. - I couldn't find another good place to put this link to MCDONALD'S FAQ - What Is Wrong With McDonald's ?
Read it, love it, stop eating McShit and get the goddamn vegetarians off our backs about how cattle farmers are fucking over the world.
(Aplogies to my brother-in-law for choosing charred animal flesh over the health of the planet, but for the love of God is that shit tasty!)
0015 hrs, 1 Jul 01
So Tiberius Jahwe Lee just got home from his wedding, and is - in his own words - "One fucking drunk fucking motherfucker".
He is a very entertaining drunk. The weekend rating just went up to 9 out of 10, I think.
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