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I have a favorite little game i like to play with the wife when we go rent movies, it's simply called "The Crap Game". The Crap Game involves walking down the new release asile of the store and reading the titles out loud, replacing part of the title with the word "crap".

This isn't done to all movies, just the ones that deserve it, which means 95% of them. You wouldn't hold up the box for Orson Welles' Othello and say "Look, Honey, Crapello!" because that just is not correct.

Luckily, Hollywood has regeared its entire sysyem towards doing nothing but making new material for this favorite game of mine, even though i only get to play it once a month or so.

Lets look at the newest game pieces for this summer:

  • Crap Harbor - I'm not even going to go see this steaming pile. Filthy wrote it up already, and a friend of mine forwarded me a review from another friend and I thought I'd put it below for your amusement (If you konw who wrote this, tell me, and I'll lovingly credit him).

  • Crap-olution - This movie simply has too many noticable special effects in it to be any damn good. remember back in the day whan you'd see special effects and not realize they were efects until later, because they fit into the plot of the movie and weren't all "LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT WHAT A COOL AND EXPENSIVE SPECIAL EFFECT I AM!"

  • Swordcrap - Movies about hackers should not be full of explosions unless they are set in the far flung future or are campy or both. "Serious" films full of pouting John Travolta cannot really be any good. Maybe if we went back to calling him "Vinnie Barbarino" for about 10 years he'd come back with something passable.

  • Atlantis: The Lost Crap - Eisner, still riding on the wave of The Little Mermaid and Alladin, told the Disney animators to go poop in a bucket and smear it on some celuloid.

  • Tomb Raider - Any movie with a real life Lara Croft can never be crap. Its based on a video game, we expect nothing from it, and will be pleasantly surprised.

  • Dr. Craplittle 2 - uhm... no. This will be abot as entertaining as The Klumps, and yes, I already know I'm going to be forced to see it at some point.

  • Monty Python and the Holy Grail is going to be in re-release. This movie is NOT crap, but most people these days won't get it, because they're too busy being cool. You, the audience, is crap.

  • A.I. - This movie is trying to build hype by NOT building hype but paid a bunch of people to ocme up with a fuckload of websites to "guerilla market" it Blair Witch style.

  • crap/beautiful - Kierstin Dunst as a slutty? i refuse to believe it. just refuse.

    But I'll most likely go see it. You know, just to confirm that the movie is crap and all.

  • Crap and Dogs - Any movie about talking animals can be only crap. Cute crap, but still crap.

  • Scary Crap II - Remember how all the Airplane sequels were equally as hilarious?


Of course, I'm spoiled. I get to live in a hugeass city and get draggedto things like SF Indie Fest to see things like LadyPorn.

I liked this little film, but for fucks sake. Ladies, here's the deal:

<off-track editorial comment>
You all get sex toys that work and work on you well. Men have mainstream porn.

Men do NOT generally get decent sex toys to get off with, that is WHY we have porn in the first place. Believe you me, we would much rather be able to carry a pocket rocket around instead of a 19' TV/VCR combo and a decent assortment of whack movies.

You go into the lab and build us a good sex toy, and we'll start making mainstream porn for chicks. Deal?
</off-track editorial comment>

But as I was saying, being that I get regularly dragged out by my art-friends to see things like Keep the River on Your Right (which I hated, but...) I have this little inkling in the back of my head that I know people are out there making non-crap movies and hopefully some of this non-crapitude will leak into mainstream films.

eh. I'm obviously an idiot.

In other movie news...

We all (we being the 5 founders of the company) went to see last week.

(as talked about by STEVE FENNESSY)

I don't think it was meant to come across as a comedy, but we all found it funny enough to laugh about over a round of drinks after the film, and I found it funny enough to laugh about for an hour over beers at Reform Skool at The Stud with the boys later that evening.

(It's actually quite a nice little bar. I was there for emotional support. Just let it go.)

There were a lot of other people in the theatre that thought it was as funny as we did, but the best part was how it made us all feel a little - uh... creeped out - because we've all lived through that exact type of shit at different companies in the past 3 years or so. THIS IS JUST LIKE QUOKKA kept ringing through my head over and over.

My only complaint was that the movie was all about the suits, not enough coders. Do yourselves a favor and go see it.

I'm sorry, I'll try to be more coherent next time, even if that IS a month from now.

Slap Out

28 May 01

Movie review I mentioned above:

If Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer movies were any less subtle, their showtimes would be announced via air raid siren. You wouldn't have to call the theaters or check the newspapers -- you'd just wake up in the morning and listen to the showtimes blasting at 150 decibels throughout your local neighborhood.

If you think that any of the four movies these guys have made together ("Bad Boys," "The Rock," "Armageddon" and "Pearl Harbor") approach art, then you simply have the brain of a small rodent. As we walked out of the theater, the guy next to me nodded enthusiastically and said "good movie" -- except that it sounded like "gold moby", because he suffered from slurred speech and was wearing a propellor beanie and giant diaper. In other words, he represents the very demographic that makes Michael Bay possible. Bay's movies are for people who think Red Lobster is a classy restaurant, who think Coors is a robust beer, and who think that wearing clothes so tight that their genitals actually squeak is an attractive fashion statement. Another woman who caught my attention in the theater was so obese that the fat from her stomach was bouncing off her knees. She came in late and when it was suggested she might have to sit apart from her husband in the crowded theater she wailed to him at the top of her lungs, "But I wahhnt to sit with you!!" Excuse me, but are you two years old? Bay's films are for people whose ages must be measured both physically and mentally.

This is a three-hour film due largely to the fact that political correctness demands it jump through a few requisite hoops. The first of those is the Japanese point-of-view. Okay, if you're an idiot, maybe you need to understand that the Japanese weren't evil in an objective sense but were actually a nation of people with legitimate reasons for attacking the United States. Everyone should already know that. The fact of the matter, however, is that war is about dehumanizing people. How ironic that Michael Bay humanizes the Japanese, but dehumanizes the rest of his cast because he can't direct.

The story revolves around two fighter pilots, Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett), and the nurse, Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale), they both love. Cuba Gooding, Jr. has an embarrassingly brief role as a cook who becomes a hero because if the filmmakers didn't show a black guy doing something, liberals would get all upset about lack of black representation. First of all, I don't recall seeing a single Hawaiian in the entire film. Secondly, what does Cuba Gooding Jr.'s character have to do with the story? It's actually an insult that he's in the film, because the scenes are so clearly a patronizing effort to appease the black community. Do they really need or want appeasement by every mediocre flick that comes stumbling down the pike?

Naturally, since this is a Bay/Bruckheimer film, every single important moment is lathered in emotionally appropriate music. That's because the people who like these films need musical cues to direct them how to think. The filmmakers use the music to instruct the audience to feel sad or happy -- or fearful, as the Japanese planes hone in on Pearl Harbor. Because subtlety is a part of life and there's none in this film, there's also nothing genuine about it. Every single line of dialogue is spoken as though it's being announced -- as though the speaker is painfully aware that he's giving an important speech.

Naturally, Bay manages to get his signature shot in the film: a bunch of guys walking in slow motion about to head into battle. I'm so sick of that shot I could beat a rhino to death with my penis. Every Michael Bay moment is like an advertisement for itself, as though he wanted to make every scene suitable for the trailer or for the cover of the DVD. The irony of "Pearl Harbor" is that it's trying so hard to be patriotic that it ends up having the opposite effect. I left the theater thinking, "Is everyone in America really this stupid?" Let's see how much money "Pearl Harbor" makes. I suspect the answer is yes.

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